Generational traumas, inherited scars and how to do differently than your ancestors
3 minutes read time
“Unresolved trauma gets passed down from generation to generation, until someone decides to break the cycle.” – Dr. Mark Wolynn
You might – like many of my clients – not want to discover your family’s past or talk about the bad things they experienced, nevertheless see your current difficulties as the consequence of their decisions. Their story is part of your story, and this knowledge can help you understand the way you think, feel or behave.
There are many different channels that your parents and ancestors can use to pass down unresolved issues to you. Research suggests a biological transmission between generations: according to this your stress regulation for instance can be genetically influenced. (Read more about the body-mind connection here.) Not surprisingly the unprocessed loss and grief can be transferred just like attachment styles. Since your parents were your first example for how to behave, how to handle emotions or how to connect with others, modelling is another route you can receive scars from the previous generation. If they do not know how to do it, they can’t teach you. Secrets in families have a particularly damaging effect that they carry until one or more family members decide to open up about it. I use narrative therapy techniques with my clients to find out withholding information that affects the whole family system.
The first step as always is to recognise these painful elements of your life. We do not look for people to blame in therapy, but anger is a healthy and common emotion to come up while we are wrapping up the past. You might have difficulties to express your negative feelings towards your loved ones especially if they already passed away. Acceptance is a huge part of therapy, as we can’t change the past or people. This is happening while you are going through all sort of feelings. Therapy provides you with a safe place to do so. We do not work towards forgetting the painful experiences but build it to your life instead of burdening or denying it. Andrew Feldmar, a Hungarian psychologist, says that the trauma is not the event but that you are not allowed to talk about it. A great-grandfather with addiction or an aunt who left her family with her lover is not what you discuss under the Christmas tree. Read more about trauma here.
You were once like all children naturally curious. You might have asked questions that remained without an answer, or you didn’t get full information, but found yourself facing with snappy attitude or embarrassed looks. Adults sometimes are too ashamed to talk, or they don’t know how to tell the story in an age-appropriate way or they think they protect the young ones by not telling them details. That leads to confusion and frustration in children and the longer the family keeps the secret, the more difficult to find the source of these feelings. This is only one channel to receive a mental luggage from previous generations.
After you identify these events, deal with the feelings and accept them as part of your life you can challenge your behaviour and adapt them to your current circumstances. They used to help you cope with the effects of unresolved issues but later might only fuel the problem.
I find this topic very important and valid to discuss nowadays as we become more aware of the importance of our mental health. Previous generations didn’t have the resources or the information and our generation and the next generations have the opportunity and the responsibility to break many of these transgenerational cycles for healthier families.
Book recommendation: Inherited Fate by Noemi Orvos-Toth
Orban Counselling 