Trauma – what does it mean in therapy and how do we deal with them together?
3 minutes read time
“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” – Dr. Gabor Maté
If I ask you whether you ever experienced a trauma you probably start to look for one big devastating event in your past. Sadly, you hear too many horrible stories about children growing up in poverty, in a war zone or in abusive circumstances. These are traumatic events of course but do not make the mistake of overlooking maybe smaller but just as impactful parts of your life when you answer my question.
Dr. Gabor Mate stated in the quote above that trauma is not the experience, but the scar we get from the fact that no one acknowledged our pain. Thanks to great scientists we already know that our learning journey starts in the womb, and we collect significant experiences before we born but let’s focus now on your childhood.
While watching closely a child’s development you can see how fearless they are while exploring. You can see how in the most chaotic room a small child becomes relaxed as soon as they notice their parents. Even while fighting for their autonomy in the early years, they look at their parents as gods, as the only reference point to compare and the only people to belong to. They might be defendant, but they would do everything for their parents’ love.
We all were born with the desire of feeling safe, being loved and accepted. We all experienced fear, rejection and even neglect. Parents are humans therefore make mistakes, probably more often than they would admit. As a first-time mom I could go for a day without eating or going to the loo only because I couldn’t deal with my baby crying while I put them into the crib. They always wanted to be close to me, to be held and I know how natural it is that feeling so I completely disregard my needs. You can probably predict how quickly I collapsed under my own created pressure. Since then, I have learned that they might cry, because they feel real fear, real anger and real frustration sometimes, but this is part of a real life and not a trauma. Unless I reject their feelings, unless I pretend it’s not a big deal to lose the sight of the centre of their world, unless I get angry with them for expressing their emotions.
Did your childhood have an empathetic witness? The question is not whether you experienced difficulties but whether you were left alone while dealing with them or had someone to support you with compassion. Therapy offers you a safe place to discover the past with a compassionate company and the opportunity to heal your scars.
Book recommendation: Dr Gabor Maté – The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture
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